Pain In The Arse

I'm about to pour my thoughts, so it's gonna be boring. I'm sorry.

I'm a person who can't get my mind straight. I'm always behind people because I just don't know what's happening and people don't always answer or help you figure out what's happening, right?

I felt a little bit sad earlier for things that I shouldn't be sad about, nor to care about. I just thought that listening to some "feel good" and "chill" playlists from 8tracks would help me soothe these tense feeling of despair (this may sound so exaggerating but that's the only word that came into my mind, "despair"). I listened to some playlists but it just made it worse because they were all about breakups and missing someone. I was missing someone.

I snuggled with my bolster as the songs just constantly played with my emotions. It was just mainstream songs by 5SOS, One Direction and Justin Bieber which I don't really listen to anymore, but I somehow just absorbed all the lyrics like a sponge and the sorrow just engulfed my soul, or something like that.

It's not that I just got dumped or something, no, I just miss someone and that someone just whirling around in my mind it just won't stop. It kills me because that particular person never escaped out of my mind. Whether it was about hatred, happiness, or even love, it just never left.

I guess I should consult to a friend or family. I thought.

But somehow, in a condition like me, an average teenager that I hope relate to some of you about these feelings I got, I felt like they just don't understand. I tend to imagine their respond if I told them what was happening in my thoughts. Maybe rolling eyes, sighs, scoffs, and other kinds of "oh, Hana..." with the can-you-not kind of smirk.

People tell me to be positive and look at the bright side, which both are pretty much the same thing, but negativity just always finds a way in and put me down somehow. Dammit satans. Astaghfirullah.

It felt like you're having a pain in your arse but you're too embarrassed to tell someone that you had to cover it up.

Even if someone was willing to talk, I refused. It'll only make me sadder looking back, chitoto.

What I mean by "looking back", is the aforementioned missing someone and those sad playlists that somehow relates and somehow not but still made me even more sad. Looking back about something sad just makes you really sad somehow. Sometimes the scars in the past that you thought were healed lie to you. Even though it was only because of sad songs that somehow left a mark in you, or when the meanings just struck you and you're like "I relate to that."

And I also do some light readings at some point of time. I'm currently on An Abundance of Katherines by John Green. I find John Green's creation a challenge to understand because I'm not a human being of rich range of vocabulary. If I pointed it wrong, I'm just not good with vocabs. I just have to have dictionary by my side which rarely happens, not even a pen for me to underline those unknown words all over those pages.

At least I managed to relate with the story somehow. Especially when I came across to this quote, "you can never love someone as much as you miss them."

It practically hit me. I get it.