Pain In The Arse

I'm about to pour my thoughts, so it's gonna be boring. I'm sorry.

I'm a person who can't get my mind straight. I'm always behind people because I just don't know what's happening and people don't always answer or help you figure out what's happening, right?

I felt a little bit sad earlier for things that I shouldn't be sad about, nor to care about. I just thought that listening to some "feel good" and "chill" playlists from 8tracks would help me soothe these tense feeling of despair (this may sound so exaggerating but that's the only word that came into my mind, "despair"). I listened to some playlists but it just made it worse because they were all about breakups and missing someone. I was missing someone.

I snuggled with my bolster as the songs just constantly played with my emotions. It was just mainstream songs by 5SOS, One Direction and Justin Bieber which I don't really listen to anymore, but I somehow just absorbed all the lyrics like a sponge and the sorrow just engulfed my soul, or something like that.

It's not that I just got dumped or something, no, I just miss someone and that someone just whirling around in my mind it just won't stop. It kills me because that particular person never escaped out of my mind. Whether it was about hatred, happiness, or even love, it just never left.

I guess I should consult to a friend or family. I thought.

But somehow, in a condition like me, an average teenager that I hope relate to some of you about these feelings I got, I felt like they just don't understand. I tend to imagine their respond if I told them what was happening in my thoughts. Maybe rolling eyes, sighs, scoffs, and other kinds of "oh, Hana..." with the can-you-not kind of smirk.

People tell me to be positive and look at the bright side, which both are pretty much the same thing, but negativity just always finds a way in and put me down somehow. Dammit satans. Astaghfirullah.

It felt like you're having a pain in your arse but you're too embarrassed to tell someone that you had to cover it up.

Even if someone was willing to talk, I refused. It'll only make me sadder looking back, chitoto.

What I mean by "looking back", is the aforementioned missing someone and those sad playlists that somehow relates and somehow not but still made me even more sad. Looking back about something sad just makes you really sad somehow. Sometimes the scars in the past that you thought were healed lie to you. Even though it was only because of sad songs that somehow left a mark in you, or when the meanings just struck you and you're like "I relate to that."

And I also do some light readings at some point of time. I'm currently on An Abundance of Katherines by John Green. I find John Green's creation a challenge to understand because I'm not a human being of rich range of vocabulary. If I pointed it wrong, I'm just not good with vocabs. I just have to have dictionary by my side which rarely happens, not even a pen for me to underline those unknown words all over those pages.

At least I managed to relate with the story somehow. Especially when I came across to this quote, "you can never love someone as much as you miss them."

It practically hit me. I get it.

Deep Talk

Hey.

Is now the correct time for me to talk about this?

I mean, it can be with your best friend, family, or even somebody else that you think that they're special.

The only reason I'm here to have a "deep" post in here is just because I have no one to talk to. You know (please note the strong Grandpa accent here), there are to type of friends:

• Those who just have fun and don't give a single damn about your life. And
• Those who always try to give advices and are good listeners (note: rare).

And I'm now basically out of reach to both of them, therefore I'm now so clogged up in my room and so tempted to write a blog about this even though some people may think that I'm too young to talk about such topic.

Here I am, I'm sitting in my room typing this with the light scent of berries and American Idol on the TV. Hey.

Well, I have a question for you: Do you talk to your special one(s) often?

(I am secretly feeling like a school counsellor. Just ignore this.)

I mean, I don't. I don't like to bother people that I like the most. :|

JUST KIDDING, I do. From this point, you can see that I'm that annoying girl that always have a deep conversation with her friends at school. Which is not true. Who cares.

I actually don't know how to start this topic so I'm just here mindlessly typing about these stuffs.

I'm not that type of person that always type with a lot of emoji or smiley faces, if I talk with you like so, it's either I really like you or I really hate you (I never really hate somebody in particular, but it just happens at some points of my life), so that it's either I put them meaningfully or I did it sarcastically to you.

WELL, am I doing this correctly or something?

I can't blog properly.

See? Now I'm going out of topic.

Ermmm... Let's see, I'm thinking about flowers. Therefore I'm thinking about my name... or I'm just indirectly thinking about me.

Vain.

Talking about flowers, do you girls keep the flowers that your date gave you?

I don't. In fact, who would give flower to a flower? You don't get it? Okay.

I mean, it's a waste of money. It's not gonna worth when you break up with him/her. It's not gonna worth for a lazy person like me because I'll leave them die because I'm just too lazy to water them. Heh. Sorry. But I accept plushies. They're just SOOO cute. Even if you're my arch enemy, if you give me one, I'll still keep it and take care of it really well. I saw this penguin plushie in Mini Toons one day and I'll probably love you forever if you give me one... not gonna lie.

The word "love" branches into different perspectives; love as a friend, family, lover, crush, whatever you have in your mind. Sooooo yeahhhh.

I'm actually a very ignorant human. I never really bothered to think about smiley faces that people usually gave it to me in their texts... until now. I feel so concerned of myself to be so sad and all when people give less emoji to me. Why Hana. Why. 

And I feel sad when I'm being ignored. This is actually ridiculous for me. I don't even know why. I know everyone feels the same but somehow it impacted me only because of teeny tiny reason that they had. Even when I actually understand them. Hmm.

At least I don't cry over it. It's weird to cry only because of that special someone didn't reply my message for the whole day. Why would people cry over it anyway?

Oh and I can totally relate to the words "so close yet so far" these days on so many things. Such as weekends, fridays, talking with friends online and when taking my stuffs when I'm too lazy to get out of bed. Never thought that being a teenager is this hard. Weird.

I gotta go now... does people even put this kind of outro these days? I'm so lame.

Never mind, I still need to go. Bye!

Charliana

You might think that I'm a bit overreacting in here, but yeah, I guess I am.

He's well-known and well-loved by his British accent (which is totally fine for the Brit fans) and his cuteness on his videos. Ladies and gentlemen, Charlie McDonnell.

He's a Youtuber who came from the UK. First of all, girls love guys who have accents, One Direction, for instance. Imagine if One Direction is American, not meaning to be mean to the 'Muricans, they're not gonna be as famous as they are now.

Charlie's channel is charlieissocoollike. His video outro reminds me a lot of crocodiles. I'm not quite sure why. He always has an interesting topic to talk about in his videos, I'm never bored seeing him on my laptop screen. It's like watching Ellen; always ended up watching the same thing for hours.

I've been watching him (this sounded so stalker-ish) since 2010... My friend recommended me to watch him and I got a bit hooked up. Years past and then I came across his duet song with himself. And that's how I started to get hooked up again.

Charlie is amazing. I love him. Charliana stands for Charlie and Hana. Oh, if Charlie is reading this, I just wanted to let you know that you're amazing, I've always wanted to have an older brother like you (because a 22-year old lover is too old for me!).

So yeah, that'll be it for the day. Bye!

Singapore IT Expo 2012

Basically I went to the IT Expo today with my family. It was damn crowded and everyone was crammed up. Man, we gotta need some human traffics here (another bad joke from me).

Actually it was kind of a good one. I mean, I'm not really that into IT stuffs but personally it was almost the same as last year. The difference is just this year they had less people that promotes their stuffs by doing a presentation with a goddamn loud and piercing voice. I didn't buy anything, though. My mom bought an iPhone 4S gold aluminium case (which ruined the actual colour aka white) for five bucks and my dad bought a 32GB micro SD card for his new HTC Desire X with the adapter. He got a 4GB USB Flasdisk for free, too. Such a shame that I actually bought the same one for around two bucks for school but actually it is no use at all.

One thing I like about IT Expo is that they have various selections and cheap prices. I almost bought an earphone (I forgot the brand name) but the queue was too long so I decided to leave instead. That links to things that I don't like about IT Expo.

Same like the majority of people, I don't like the crowd. It was all crammed up and people were so selfish. I couldn't get away easily because there were a lot of people that won't give any chance for others to pass through, and it made me mad. I've never liked crowds. I don't like being around a lot of people, it tends to annoy the hell out of me and makes me mad... even with friends. The worst thing that I don't like about IT Expo is when I ask my dad to look for a good gaming computers, he chooses to ignore me instead. He knows that kids around my age should be focusing on studies and not games, but I just can't resist to play The Sims and Amnesia (don't rate me as a pussy) without having to restart the computer every first 15 minutes of gameplay. Literally. I asked my parents to buy a cooler for my laptop but they thought that it was useless. I was kind of disappointed.

The Sims 3 University just can't escape from my head and it's just so interesting I want to buy it like right now... but I still need to beg and plead my parents for so, and I still need to suffer for another restarting session for every 15 minutes and constant paranoia for lags so that I save the game for like every 13 seconds.

I know I seemed like a pussy by talking about The Sims and such, but I also wanted to buy the GTA V and umm Amnesia and Lucius... and some Scribblenauts I guess? Oh and Eleusis. Thanks to Pewdiepie for putting up those videos of him gaming that made me want to play games more while I'm trying to excel my studies. I won't blame you for my failures, though.

So yeah, that's about it. I even went out of the topic. I guess this IT Expo is worth the visit... it's just that you have to control your temper and be selective. I have to get some sleep now... byeeeee!

Fresh Start

Erm, I actually don't know what exactly should I put here but yeah...


I'm Hana, I'm originally an Indonesian living in Singapore. I'm just a normal secondary school student and I just thought of making a blog.

Aside from my rare* lame vlogging on Youtube, I just realised that I don't have a specific enthusiasm that can attract people to watch my videos. You see, so far I only got 12 views of my Brother dancing to One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful". The most that I got was a video of a 11-year old me saying that I was in Indonesia and informing that I got a new haircut with my Dad in the background telling me to babysit my little brother because we were about to head back to Singapore.

I just don't get those times. 3 thousand views for a shitty and embarrassing video?!

I deleted it. YOU CAN'T FIND MEEE MUAHAHAHA. Ignore this.

Now that I have a bad reputation on my channel, and that's how I came up with the idea of blogging instead of vlogging. I tend not to vlog when someone's around in the house. My house is super small that you can even hear the activity that is going around the house. I'm too shy to make a video of me singing and lip syncing like a squealing pig... even Wilhelm the Goat did better than me.

Every time I thought of blogging, I always had ideas and topics bursting out from my precious brain. I just don't know how come it happened, but yeah.


My expectation for this blogging account isn't that much. I don't live in a country that has mostly white chicks and dumb blondes so people won't bother about my life. I'm also Asian.

Well, I'm just gonna keep posting as often as I can and try to keep my audiences (which is none) entertained. Toodles!





*Rare a.k.a a year.